The Common Sense Revolution

I haven’t posted in a while, mainly because I’ve been busy with College and work, but also because there hasn’t been a huge amount to rant about. Well, not that I’ve noticed, but then I haven’t had chance to read the news much in the past few months.

Recently some footage of Casey Anthony Vloging back in October has come out, and the sheer amount of hate she’s getting is unbelievable. 80% of the comments making death threats, 20% saying they’d basically fuck her.

Now, you have a woman who was accused of killing her own child, but was found not guilty, I didn’t follow the trial at all so I will reserve my judgement and not comment on if I believe she did it, or didn’t, because I would be a hypocrite if I commented without knowing the facts. The fact is though, she was found not guilty, but it seriously makes me question the morality of society, and if really a court of laws verdict means anything any more. It would seem, that just being accused makes you guilty in the harshest court of all, society.

I guess that’s the funny thing about all societies, facts and truths don’t mean a great deal, it all comes down to perception, it really does interest me that it doesn’t matter what it is, but actually what people think it is.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Obviously, many of my views and opinions often get mistranslated from mind to keyboard, an often well thought out point, then becomes something even I can say, “Fuck, I’m an absolute prick” and then I’ll make a new post again trying to say what I actually meant to say. I believe this will be one of those instances, however, like before with the first post about feminism, I wont take this down, and wills till post it despite the fact I haven’t slept tonight, mainly because for some reason my mind as of late has insisted it doesn’t like to sleep. The bastard!

There is a massive problem with the Islamic world, who claim the Western is trying to oppress them in some way, yet, isn’t it the case that in many respects the western world is merely trying to protect it’s borders against, Muslim extremists. I’m not naive enough to thing that at least part of it is to do with oil as well, for that I no doubt.

Yet, why is it, that countries such as Pakistan, and numerous other Islamic countries, claim they do not support Terrorists, and yet don’t contribute much, if anything towards at least making Islamic extremism less of a threat to the WHOLE world, because let’s face it, it certainly isn’t just countries such as America and Britain who are at risk, any country could be hit just because some bloke said such and such a thing. 

My issue with Islamic states will remain until they not only openly condemn extremism, which some have done, but then wage war or “Jihad” on their own radicals.

Start with all the uneducated illiterate fools who can not see past the fear, and are so easily influanced by those who promote hatred under the cover of YOUR religion. No massive audience who can be easily influenced, no real threat.  Finish with the educated and the literate that use your faith to promote violence.

As soon as i see the major players of the Islamic world come out and say enough is enough, and finally begin to rid your religion of the cancer that has spread within it, is the moment my view may change.

My dad once told me of something he saw in Malaysia. A cross roads, one side of the road, there was a Mosque, the other a Christian Church. I have to question as to why that should actually be the tinyest but thought provoking, shouldn’t that be the way of the world any way? Respecting each others beliefs, instead of killing another just because they don’t have the same beliefs as you. I’m atheist, I’m not sat here saying all religion is bull shit, I’m saying let’s all chill the fuck out and stop blowing each other to bits.

How many central bankers does it take to fuck up this lightbulb?

As scientists at CERN made a particle go faster than the electricity you are using to read this, the world banking system ran out of cash for the second time in three years. Proving not only was Einstein wrong, but he was always skint as well. Poncing around Zurich with his fancy equation and asking people to buy him lunch. Pain in the arse.

Let’s face it, what CERN has done is truly ground-breaking. They have demonstrated beyond all doubt what a colossal bunch of fucknuts we really are.

No doubt though, this time next year the large hadron collider will have been sold to a Russian billionaire so that the Eurozone has enough money to lend to the Greeks until they can be arsed to learn arithmetic. And, the Vodka fulled billionaire will probably just want to gold plate it and use it for racing his cheetahs.

Meanwhile, scientists have stressed that breaking the speed of light does not mean Star Trek, so just calm the fuck down and stop buying stuff you can’t afford.

HA, ha, ha. Wasn’t Ceri Rees hilarious? Well no, she wasn’t really. Her “audition” was actually rather sad.  I’ve sat through hours of X Factor tryouts over the years, the great and the ridiculous, but Ceri’s turn left me feeling cold.

Historically, no matter how pathetic and deluded the very, very bad acts are, they at least seem to be in on the joke. They get on TV, we get the laughs. It’s as clear a deal as you can get. But I don’t think Ceri was in the loop. She said she’d had singing lessons since she was last put in the X Factor stocks.

Really? Dear God, why?

Was it because maybe she actually thought she might do it this time?

Those charming producers kept encouraging her, putting her on the stage knowing she was tone deaf — so she must be doing something right, eh?

Except she wasn’t. Not then, not ever. And neither were ITV. At the end of the day, producers have a responsibility not to put vulnerable people in the spotlight when it’s clear the intention is for the public to ridicule and laugh at them. It could be seen as a form of bullying, basically, we’re being invited to laugh at her, and that my dear followers, is just not on.

Don’t worry, this blog hasn’t simply become solely about the sorry state of the music industry and the X Factor, normal service shall be resumed soon enough!

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation. 

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Junior High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. It’s your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It’s every mans dream. (Quick interjection - one request for a threesome is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. It’s one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It’s another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know it’s not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little… fishy… perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it’s cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.