Bonuses at Barclays will rise despite a fall in profits because that is just how the whole thing actually works, the bank has explained.
Barclays half-year profits plunged by 33%, in part because the bank paid out £1bn in insurance mis-selling claims, the rest of the profit slide was caused by a variety of other factors involving the company’s executives being very bad at their jobs. However the bank stressed that those executives would still receive generous bonus packages because that is how it ‘works’.
What they do is take the amount of money the bank has made, divide it by the amount their executives would like to earn, amortise that figure over 36 months, net of tax that will be avoided anyway, and then multiply it by the cubed root of not giving a fuck what anyone thinks.
So, basically, to sum it all up, while every fucker else looses their jobs, because the big executives couldn’t do their jobs in the first place and fucked up the worlds economy will still get extortionate bonuses. Oh, and don’t forget, you’re paying for them!